


Sleepless

by jelly_pies



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Sickfic, TW: Vomiting, They all need hugs, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, it's not graphic though but take care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:14:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23180785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jelly_pies/pseuds/jelly_pies
Summary: A couple of months after the Decimation, Tony still has nightmares of Titan. Sometimes he wakes up having to heave his feelings into the toilet. One time he bumps into his fiancee there, already doing some heaving of her own.A sleepless night leads to a revelation, and no good news is without a bitter aftertaste.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 21
Kudos: 84





	Sleepless

It starts without warning. It always does.

On moment Tony’s turning fitfully in bed, subconsciously praying he doesn’t jostle Pepper too much, because god knows she’s too stubborn to leave. The next he’s on Titan.

And he’s had his share of nightmares. He knows how this goes. Yet somehow, Titan always takes him by surprise.

There’s the green light. Saving the life Tony had been willing to lay on the line from the start. Strange and his bargain.

There’s the pain in his gut. The blood. It makes him want to puke. The air is getting thinner. Or was it always like this?

Tony knows something happened after that. He - he fixed the wound, hadn’t he? His nanotech, his suit - his suit’s busted. The kid comes over, helps him up. Or was this later? When did the Guardians gather around? This part always blurs. It always fast-forwards to the next.

To the Decimation. It’s what they called it, on Earth. But Tony doesn’t know that yet. He’s still on Titan. He’s still seeing it firsthand.

They turn to dust, one by one. Everybody looks at each other. Nobody knows what’s going on. He hears his own voice, “Steady, Quill.” Sees him disappear again.

The wizard’s voice, it’s always his voice. “Tony. There was no other way.”

And then, and then the kid. And then Peter. Sometimes he hears his voice up close, right up against his ear, like he’s already holding on to Tony for dear life, the way he does later - this was still later, wasn’t it? Peter’s not dust. Not yet. And sometimes Peter’s voice is barely loud enough for him to register. Sometimes it echoes like - like someone turned on the nightmare special effects. But the voice is scared. Always, it’s scared. “Mr. Stark?”

Tony turns, and there’s nothing. And he looks down at his hands...

And it ends without warning. Always there. Always, he wakes up with the dust on his hands.

Tony opens his eyes and he’s halfway to the floor, the blanket twisted around his waist. He’s panting. He’s panting and his heart’s hammering in his chest and oh god, he wants to puke. He brings his hands up to his face, scrutinizing them in the dim light. No dust. Nothing but sweat.

No Peter.

Tony scrambles off the covers. Scrambles in a panic. _God, I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe._ The carpet doesn’t quite muffle his fall, the solid _thump_ of his body against the floor. _Sorry, Pep,_ he throws the thought in the direction of the bed, and hurls himself to the bathroom.

Mind in a whirlwind, he doesn’t notice the bathroom light is already on.

Tony’s heaving into the toilet before he knows it. _Peter_ \- gag - _fuck - fucking nightmare_ \- hurl - _Peter._ Always Peter.

It’s seconds, minutes later - maybe days, who cares - but Tony feels a hand on his back. Rubbing slowly, between his shoulder blades. He reaches up weakly and flushes.

He settles beside her on the bathroom floor, their backs against the cool tiles. Tony finds it doesn’t surprise him that she’s here. Here, on the floor, here, slumped opposite the toilet, here, knees against her chest. Maybe he saw her out of the corner of his eye, maybe his brain registered the information back when his body was busy with other things. Maybe his wishful thinking materialized. God knows he doesn’t care. Tony leans his head against the wall, then a little sideways, rests it on top of his fiancee’s. “Hey. And what brings you here?”

Pepper laughs, weakly, but it’s a laugh. She brings a hand to her belly when it rumbles in response. “Same as you, I suppose,” she manages after a pause.

The blood is still pounding in his head, but Tony manages to tilt it just a little more, brush a kiss against her hair. Because somehow, it doesn't surprise him that she's here. From the depths of his mind, Tony remembers he'd noticed the signs. Noticed there might be another reason for her to be nauseous in the middle of the night. “Not exactly the same, though, right?” he asks.

From somewhere beside her, Pepper produces a bottle of water, hands it to Tony. He takes it with as much of a smile as he can pull off. “Geez, Ms. Potts, are you ever unprepared?”

For a few seconds the only sound is Tony, gulping water like a desert wanderer. And he’d know how that feels. The bathroom’s dim yellow light stings his eyes. He feels Pepper scoot a little closer.

He offers the half-full bottle back, she waves it off. And they sit there. Just sit there, while the night marches on in silence. Heavy, pregnant silence.

Some time after Tony feels his breathing begin to even out, Pepper takes his hand. “I was, actually.” Her voice is so soft, Tony doubts he would have heard it if the rest of the world hadn’t been so quiet. He forces his mind to be quiet. Pepper takes a breath, as if bracing herself before continuing. “About two months ago.”

Tony turns fully now. Meets her eyes.

He wants to say something, but the only thing he can taste on his tongue is the bile. Pepper smiles, that smile she does with her eyes, not her mouth. “But you already knew that, Tony, didn’t you?”

 _Do I?_ Slowly, slowly, Tony brings his arm up. Pepper’s straightened her legs on the floor now, no longer in a closed position. Slowly, he lays a hand on her belly.

Pepper’s quick, almost imperceptible little nod confirms days of suspicion.

“Shit.” Despite himself, Tony laughs. He’s dreamed of this for months. Years? Now he’s slumped on a bathroom floor with the love of his life, their hopes and dreams as shattered as the world around them. And yet, another one between them, newly formed. Still whole. “Shit.”

“Not exactly the reaction I pictured,” Pepper says, but her tone is light. And she’s smiling with both eyes and lips now. She’s grinning. Tony wiggles an arm around her back, and embraces her.

“Pep, this is - I mean - I’m happy. This, this is -”

They hold each other for a long moment, then Pepper laughs and disentangles herself. At a comfortable distance now, she cups Tony’s face in both hands, and suddenly her eyes turn serious. Tony swears he can almost hear the _click._

“I didn’t know how to tell you, Tony,” she says softly, and he senses the hesitance in her voice. Senses the way she takes a breath before continuing. “I-I’m sorry it came out this way. Just, how do you - how do you break that kind of news… to someone who’s just lost another child?”

Tony feels himself stiffen in her hold. Feels the floor tilting. Feels acutely aware of the toilet a short distance away, feels he might need it again soon.

He can hear his heartbeat. He can hear it and fuck, it’s so loud. His hands float up like they have a mind of their own, searching for something, anything to hold on to, and they find Pepper’s arms. And grip them. Just her. No dust.

No Peter.

Then time slows down. Then Tony feels just how tightly he’s clutching Pepper’s arms, and he loosens up with a mumbled apology. Then he feels Pepper’s own arms around him, holding him. Holding him close. He melts into her touch.

And, god, sometimes words really aren’t enough.

He wants to tell her so much. Tell her she’s his family. Tell her he’s broken now, but he can’t even begin to imagine how he’d be if he had stepped off that spaceship, only to find that she’d disappeared too. Tell her they’d lost people before. They knew this emptiness.

Tell her how much he’d wanted this, even before that alien donut appeared in New York and wrecked everyone’s day. Wanted to settle down. Get a life. A quieter life. A life peaceful enough to raise a child into.

Of course, Peter had always factored somewhere in that dream. Peter, visiting on weekends. Peter, keeping him updated on Compound gossip. Peter, under his wing. That was one thing that had to change.

No Peter.

And he wants to tell her he’ll take it. He’ll mourn, he’ll move on. C’est la vie. Nothing he hasn’t done before. Well, actually - he’d never before lost a _child._ Tony pushes that thought away. He loves - loved - Peter. He knows that now, isn’t afraid to admit it. Too damn fucking late.

Maybe they’ll have a daughter. Tony was always partial to daughters. Maybe she’ll have Tony’s eyes, her mother’s spirit. Maybe if he works on it, works hard, she can grow up without her father projecting the child he’d lost onto her. Maybe he can give her a father she deserves.

Maybe, when this is all over, they can be a proper family.

But sometimes words aren’t enough. And in the lateness of the night, and in the absurdity of their position on the bathroom floor, and amidst the jumble of his thoughts, all that comes out of Tony’s mouth is a breathy, “I’m kinda hoping for a girl.”

Pepper’s head shakes in silent laughter against his shoulder. Tony presses his cheek against hers, and breathes her in. Lingering vomit scent and all. God, when did a moment meant to be one of the happiest in their lives, become this? He starts laughing too.

“Let’s not tell her we celebrated finding out we’re having her by hugging on the bathroom floor, okay?” Tony says.

Pepper nods and sniffles, head still on his shoulder, and Tony realizes his shirt’s getting wet where they meet her face. Hormones? Tony would have to look that up soon. He’d have to look a lot of things up, if he was gonna do this dad thing correctly. The second time around.

“Might be a boy.” Pepper pulls away gently, wipes at her eyes. “Maybe we can stick to gender-neutral terms for now. And names. You wanted ‘Morgan,’ right?”

They talk a little longer. Mostly light banter, trying to liven the mood. A little planning. Understanding. And hope. A lot of hope.

Eventually they get up off the floor. Settle back into bed with the crumpled covers.

“We’ll talk more in the morning,” Pepper promises, kissing him goodnight. Tony turns on his back. Shuts his eyes, but the sleep won’t come.

Titan looms on the edge of his consciousness. He can feel himself slipping. He really, really wants this over now. But the sleep won’t come.

“Tony?”

He cracks an eye open. Pepper’s staring straight up into the darkness, and the plain sight of her grounds him. Brings him back to earth. “Yes, hon?”

Under the covers, Pepper takes his hand. “Tony, he loved you, too. You know that, right?”

Tony yawns, and a tear rolls down his cheek. He wants to pretend it’s just moisture from the sleep in his eyes. Wants to pretend the yawn was the cause, not a half-fake excuse afterwards.

“You don’t have to worry about becoming a good dad.” Pepper turns then, turns towards him. “You already know how to be one.”

Tony grips her hand. And he so desperately wants to believe her.

But he can’t trust himself now. Can’t trust his own thoughts. But like Pepper said, they’d talk more in the morning.

Him and her. A new life ahead of them. A kid. A growing family. A hope. A second chance. A future.

No Peter.

**Author's Note:**

> Props to find a small Harry Potter reference! :D


End file.
